Oh Shit

Sixty-three today. I don’t recall ever expecting, or even trying to live this long. But I never die until I’ve made a difference, either through life or as a result of my death, don’t worry, be happy, really everything will be okay, go hug someone. BBC

Just some humor today

They Walk Among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution ... They Walk Among Us

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"
They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned
They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us.

They walk among us, and reproduce!

Hell, they produced us and we are still frigging idiots.

Quote:
Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed. - I.F. Stone

In the news

Americans rank No. 1 in patriotism survey.

CHICAGO - When it comes to national pride, Americans are No. 1, according to a survey of 34 countries' patriotism. Venezuela came in a close second in the survey, released Tuesday by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

Patriotism and Nationalism are infantile diseases. – Albert Einstein

Einstein was an amazing man, most people wouldn’t make a pimple on his butt. I wouldn’t make a pimple on his butt, it’s to bad the world hasn’t learned from him.

Have we had sex?

I walked into a local bar one evening and said to the new bartender "Hi Karen" She looks at me and said "Do I know you? Have we had sex?" Ya gotta love a gal with a good sense of humor. She was just surprised that I knew her name because she didn’t remember that I had been in there a few days before.

A few good quotes

It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about? - Henry David Thoreau

Before you can inspire with emotion, you must be swamped with it yourself. Before you can move their tears, your own must flow. To convince them, you must yourself believe. - Winston Churchill

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. - Joan Klempner. Or Freeing your mind to spin around on it’s own. - Billy B Cook

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep. - Dale Carnegie (Go for a walk or write, it’s easy on the planet)

Teaching

An email friend that is a fiction author, but I don’t know that he has anything that has been published, mentioned that he had students, teaching them to write I suppose. So of course I had to shoot a reply back to him to razz him a little. I’m behind on my work and projects or I would be posting something else today. As always though, the ongoing discussions on the Dilbert blog are great. Anyway, the reply I shot back to my friend is below.

You have students? What in the hell do you think you are teaching them? A few people have told me that I should take a writing class. What in the hell for? My style is my style, how could someone else teach it to me? I tell them if ya don't like my fucking writing don't fucking read it. *lol*

Experiences

The following is from my diary of 6/25/2006

This town has more goddamn stupid people in it than anywhere I've ever been in my life, I think.

If Marlene (A lady that I do odds and ends for) happens to be in the Eagles when I go there I always go over and talk to her for a bit, maybe give her a little hug, sometimes dance a time or two with her. Friday evening I dropped Helen off there so she could enjoy the music, I came home for a few hours and then went back to pick her up. Marlene was there so I went over to talk to her a bit, made arrangements to go do a few things for her. She told me today when I was at her place to do some yard work for her that the other night someone had said something about me being her boyfriend. You have to wonder how people get stupid ideas like that.

So when I got done with the work I went up on the porch and said "Okay girlfriend, I'm done." What the hell, might as well have some fun with it, now anytime she is in the Eagles I will say nice and loud "Hi girlfriend." Anymore when I meet new people I just tell them "Everything you hear about me is true." They are either smart enough to sort out truth from fiction or they are not, I don't give a damn anymore. If someone isn't willing to get to know me personally before drawing conclusions and making judgements that is their problem, not mine. Ya know what I mean?

And sometimes maybe I do just say a little too much, even if it is the truth. Recently I was in Reggie's and I met Shar's new friend, I like him, we talk a lot alike. Shar is a very attractive lady with a nice chest that I have known for some time, I wouldn't date her but we are friends of sorts, bar friends I guess you would say. I take my bar friends with a grain of salt though. I enjoy talking to her and she likes to read the things I write that I share with her.

The reason I wouldn't date her is because she is a spoiled brat with too many attitudes and no compromises. Everything is Shar's way or the highway and she goes through men like water. I don't need that crap in my life, not from a woman that drove her husband to blow his brains out.

Anyway, after they left I said to Phil "She sure has him pussy whipped." That was a true statement is all, he had even said as much earlier, but it sure upset Claire, she got pissed at me and told me it was a sexist statement. So I guess the truth is sexist these days? I told her I didn't think it was sexist, just the truth salted with some humor. But Claire doesn't know me so if she wants to jump to such a conclusion I guess she just can.

Soon...... Shar and Rod came back for another beer, when Shar went to the restroom Claire followed her in there and told her what I said. When she came back and sat down I could see that she was grinding that up in her head and then decided to be okay with it. I think Shar just grew a bit in that moment. When they left again she touched me to show me that it was okay. So Claire will just have to be pissed all by herself. There are a lot of people in this town that could get a better education and some psychology.

Went out on the spit this evening (last evening to the reader) as it was so warm here, on the way I stopped to walk to my old boat to see she how she is doing, looks like she is doing fine. Is up for sale again, if I had the money I would buy her back. The seagull nest I built on the seawall is being used again this year, mother seagull is setting on the eggs now, they should hatch any day now. Flew my kite for a while then came home and washed the pickup.

While driving out on the spit I got passed by a seagull flying with the wind, I was doing thirty miles an hour and it wasn’t even trying to go fast. There where two cruise ships on the sound, I’ve never seen two at the same time. One was putting out pretty black smoke, a sign of worn engines, more pollution and all for more bucks for rich people.

While I was washing the pickup a man came down the street walking with his dog. The dog stopped and pissed on my mailbox post. I hollered "Hey ! Your dog just pissed on my mailbox post." He said "So what?" I said "Now I have to go over there and piss on it to show my ownership." He laughed.

Spotted a great bumper sticker today. "You all laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh because you are all the same."

Whiney Americans

Americans are sure a bunch of whiners. They whine about everything, I hear complaining all the time, it just seems like Americans can never be happy with their lot in life. Even I whine a lot, though not about what many people do. Maybe the whole planet is this way, but I notice it here because I live here.

For the most part Americans have decent shelters, eat well, make decent money, have the freedom to travel anywhere in the country without a lot of hassles, even poor people here get taken care of pretty well, the list goes on and on.

For the most part Americans are not being bombed and shot at and having their country torn apart, the list goes on and on. I think Americans should stop whining and wanting so much and start helping the rest of the world more. BBC

A reason

Some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have, or have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person may say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh They may teach you something you have never done. They may give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Food Art

On any given day you can see in a newspaper, publication, on TV, or other such news medium, stories about food art. They do amazing things with food, carve it into artistic designs, make large, even giant creations, all sorts of things like that. That has always bothered my soul knowing that so many people die of starvation everyday. So much waste, don’t get me started, this is all I’m going to say about it. BBC

F****** Flies

As a follow up on yesterday’s post, I’ve been working for a lady doing some painting and minor remodeling. A few days ago she opened the front door and a fly came into the home, she went a little ballistic and said something like "Son-of-a-bitch! Goddamn fucking flies, do they just wait by the door until you open it?" And a few other choice words.

Maybe she doesn’t like those little black fly shit marks all over on her nice white walls. Or maybe she just doesn’t like flies in her space and face. But I thought it was cute how she was cussing it out, she has a real cute way of cussing at them. If it happens again maybe I will help her cuss it out, it seems like fun being as emotions are not flat lines all the time and sometimes it’s okay if you just let it rip and get it out of your system. I say that it is harmful to bottle things up until they get too big and cause bigger problems.

Yesterday I went to a ladies home to fix the baseboard heater in her dining room, turned out that it wasn’t the heater but the wiring under the house had a short in it. It only had a craw space under it and I’ve never seen so many spider webs in one place in all my life, plus there was some old shit from a sewer line that had been broken. The problem wire was at the opposite end of the house as the craw space access hole so I had to fight my way through all those spider webs about eight times to get the repair made, it was a very unpleasant job getting that thirty feet of wire replaced.

I don’t know if I killed any spiders but I sure killed a lot of spider webs. BBC

Wouldn't harm a fly

So on the Dilbert blog Scott was talking about his joy in killing ants. I know people that wouldn’t harm an ant, spider or fly. They will try to capture them and release them outside if possible, they think that it’s bad to kill Gods creations, or whatever it is that they think. About five years I took on the following view.

In the first place they are not Gods creations, they are Mrs. Gods (Call her Mother Nature if you wish) creations. But Mrs. God is just as much of an idiot as God being as they are both still in evolution, and she makes way too much of everything, especially bugs. Really, look at God and Mrs. God in a proper space and time continuum because time and space is different to them than it is to humans and their puny concepts of time and space. It’s like they are just three years old, now think how three years olds are, they create and destroy, they love and they hate, they simply have not evolved into anything that can be considered mature yet.

About six months ago I read an article in the National Geographic about just how many bugs there are on this planet and while I can’t recall the figures I can assure you that there are a hell of a lot more of them than humans could ever get rid of by killing the few that get in their face. Not that bugs aren’t beneficial, they are, but it’s no big deal to kill a few that are invading your home.

My view is that I want all living things to have a chance at a peaceful existence here, especially if it may be serving a useful purpose. But not in my space, and certainly not in my face, so I sometimes kill critters that are in my space or face. I may try to shoo them away but if they persist they are dead game. I of course love them but that is beside the point, I contend that you have no right killing something if you don’t love it so it goes something like "I love you little spider but you are in my face, *squish* enjoy your next life, somewhere else." It isn’t my fault if bugs don’t have sense enough to stay outside where they belong.

Besides, not all bugs are beneficial, it’s not like the planet will cease to be able to exist without some of them. Mrs. God being the idiot she is does create things that are not needed, are in fact harmful, in time scientists will figure all this out and we will know what is needed and what isn’t. Of course in time I’m also hopeful that mankind will see that creating too many humans is also harmful. BBC

Old, but still good joke

The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker fan into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!" The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

The Alabama preacher

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!

Happy Fathers Day

I’m a new daddy, sort of anyway. Helen next door puts out cat food on her porch for the various cats that wander through. One has been hanging around a lot and seemed to be hungry all the time so a few days ago I started feeding her some salmon I have here, she has become half tame and lets me pet her a bit. Then yesterday I discovered that she has four kittens that are starting to show their faces some. She had them in a stack of pallets that where here when I got the property, they sure are cute little critters.

Now I have to go to Safeway and get some cat food because I don’t want them starving. Hopefully they will become tame enough that I can round them up to take to the Peninsula Friends of Animals. And I really should get rid of that stack of pallets. Maybe I will keep one of them, I’ve been wanting a cat for a while, will have to think on that some more.

I watched a movie last night, Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza. I like movies that move me to laugh and cry so I like to watch romantic comedies. And anything with Julia Roberts in it is pretty good. I liked it when she dumped two barrels of seafood in her boyfriend’s convertible because she thought he was stepping out on her. After she found out that the lady with him was his sister (they where all standing by the car) she said to him "I fucked up." He said "Yeah, but you gave it one hundred percent." Now that was funny.

There was one stupid thing in the movie though. Three of the ladies where at the marina and they pulled a six pack of beer out of the water where it was supposedly being kept cool. You don’t fucking put six packs of beer in salt water to keep them cool, not for very long anyway as the salt water eats little holes in the aluminum cans.

Fool

This sounds a lot like me, it pretty much describes what I say God is. Except for the omnipotent part because Mrs. God is much more omnipotent than I am. But the pagan bitch produces wonders while at the same time destroying many things.

Here's Ambrose Bierce definition of "Fool" from
"The Devil's Dictionary."

Fool, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude, and the circle of sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war--founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago.

He established monarchial and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting--such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand has warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave.

And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

A nice story

Not that I’m into Jews but this is still a nice story.

From Saul Bellow's collection of traditional Jewish tales comes this story:

In a small Jewish town in Russia, there is a rabbi who disappears each
Friday morning for several hours. His devoted disciples boast that during
those hours their rabbi goes up to heaven and talks to God.
A stranger moves into town, and he's skeptical about all this, so he decides
to check things out. He hides and watches. The rabbi gets up in the morning,
says his prayers, and then dresses in peasant clothes. He grabs an axe, goes
off into the woods, and cuts some firewood, which he then hauls to a shack
on the outskirts of the village. There an old woman and her sick son live.
He leaves them the wood, enough for a week, and then sneaks back home.
Having observed the rabbi's actions, the newcomer stays on in the village
and becomes his disciple. And whenever he hears one of the villagers say,
"On Friday morning our rabbi ascends all the way to heaven," the newcomer
quietly adds, "If not higher."

Just a few quotes today

Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one. - Charles Mackay

When fate is the dealer you raise or you call.

Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. - G. M. Trevelyan

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. - Blaise Pascal

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. -
Blaise Pascal

The rich are the scum of the earth in every country. - G. K. Chesterton

In the news

In the news
BAGHDAD, Iraq - President Bush reviewed next steps in the troubled three-year old Iraq war on Tuesday in a surprise visit to Baghdad and a meeting with newly named Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The dramatic move came as Bush sought to bolster support for Iraq's fledgling government and U.S. war policy at home.

I wonder how much this trip cost the taxpayers, as if this idiot cares about how much money he piss’s away, or how much pollution he causes. Speaking of pollution, his man is a pollutant in the pool of mankind, his wife should grab his dick more and distract him from all the stupid things he does. Teleconferencing is just as effective as going somewhere physically and a lot less expensive and polluting. Again, this man is an idiot, it’s too bad he made it back.

Lessons
If there is one thing I’ve learned it is not to touch women that do not want to be touched. I like to touch people but they take your intentions wrong. Cold women are cold women and they will most likely stay that way so it’s best to stay away from them or they will say things about you that make you look bad.

Humor

Humor
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you." I don’t recall where I came across that line. Yup, we deal with a lot of serious problems on this planet and handle it all with humor. The problem is that humor doesn’t fix things, it just allows people to laugh things off.

We joke about big SUV’s and the assholes that own them. What we should do though is ban them, not allow automakers to build them. People that need things like that has real ego issues. Well screw you people, I don’t like you.

We joke about bombs and killing people. What a sick planet, bombs and wars should be banned. I blame women for a lot of this. Men are idiots, they like to play war and capitalism and such things. Women should be spirituality higher than men though, but they aren’t. If they where they would insist that their men and boys stay home and be peaceful and do what they are supposed to be doing at home.

No, I’m really country, not just a little country.
It doesn't matter how smart I've gotten, how traveled and world wise I get, I'm country, old country, it's in my bones and soul and it won't ever go away. I'm still so damn stupid that I think a place isn't a home until people make it a home, and then it doesn't matter what it looks like cuz it's what is in the heart that makes it a home.

Just a gentle reminder, something we tend to forget about two hours after completing Psychology 101. Things never really bring happiness, and I know that is true cuz I observe it all the time with folks that have money and spend it trying to find happiness. It's the little things that count, a touch, a smile, a helping hand, it's always been that way. BBC

Country

Country
It doesn’t matter how world wise I become, how intelligent I become, what direction my spiritual journey takes. I’ll always be country folk.

Remember
There's no need to work toward a goal every day. Some days, it's okay to just enjoy the beauty and wonder that's all around you. Work and relationship concerns can wait for tomorrow. Today you deserve to take it easy and look for the flatter land -- you can climb that mountain some other day! Don't let your life get taken over by goals and deadlines.

Something you can say to a friend
I didn't believe in God until I got to know you, then I realized there MUST be a God because you're too fucking stupid to take care of yourself.

Happy Birthday Helen

It’s Helen’s birthday today. Happy Birthday Helen !!! You’re the best. I know, who in the hell is Helen you ask. In short she is the neatest old lady that lives next door to me and I help her so that she can continue living there instead of going to a care center as she wants to die in her home.

Helen is the kind of woman every man wishes he had. She worked very hard most of her life and was very poor, and now her body is worn out, can’t walk very far, but she is the sweetest lady with the best sense of humor and the most supporting woman I’ve ever known. Too bad she is eighty-four and as old as half the rocks out there.

She has lived in the same little home since 1946 and she loves that little place even though most other woman (in America) wouldn’t want it. They wouldn’t, most women want way too much and are never really happy with what they have. That little house has three lights, cold water only, minimum furniture, a radio, a wood-burning kitchen stove, and not much of anything else. Interestingly she is the sweetest, most well adjusted and happiest woman I know. There isn’t a sour bone in her body even though she endured many hardships over the years and was married for fifty-two years to an asshole that treated her like shit. Don’t ask me why she put up with him, I don’t know. Well I know some of it but that is another story.

Again, Happy Birthday Helen, you’re the cream of the crop on this planet and I couldn’t have a better friend and neighbor. I love you and so does the universe. BBC