I will

Hi Beans …Not many other Gods or Goddess’s around, so I will entertain the human beans.

Nancy, a city girl, married a farmer.
One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is."

When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's the one with the nail," said Nancy.
"What's the nail for?" inquired the man.
"Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on."
****
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say.
red...cherry
yellow...lemon
green...lime
orange...orange
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might call your father sometimes.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her candy and yelled, "Oh my God, they're assholes!"
****
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"